walking barefeet...

2009-10-29T16:01:00.001Z

there's still this email i'm supposed to write... as well as the two reports... oh don't forget sorting out driving lessons....

sky-high confidence?

2009-10-29T14:52:00.002Z

people should really know the difference between confidence and plain COCKINESS!!!

2009-10-29T14:28:00.001Z

one should always look for reasons to be happy.
this is what my culture lacks.

Frozen

2009-10-29T09:44:00.003Z

i don't know why every time i hear from him it freezes me.

he's very loving. and clever. and i like him. i liked him the very first time i met him. and i told him. and he told him. and i felt shy. i felt like it should have been kept something between us and i thought he should not have told him. but he is like that. he has a habit of speaking out the stuff you tell him to others. and that makes me shy sometimes. in front of the other person. and i always feel why do you do that. and all he says is, it's funny. it's not a bad thing he says. but i still feel uneasy, regardless.

it made me smile the very first time he mentioned my name in an email. it was a little thing. it was about that film we watched. in bristol. after his interview. i was always there. every time he needed me i was there. i went to bristol with him. bu coach. we went to bristol cause i thought i would make a difference. i thought i would make it easier.

and we had walked all the way to the place i think. thinking back i don't remember what time of year it was. i don't remember if it was cold or warm. i dint remember what we were wearing. i remember walking there. i remember everything looked ugly and dry and dirty. and i kept thinking i'm glad he wont be staying here. it was dry and ugly and dirty. i remember us walking there. and i remember waiting. waiting while he went through those door. and i remember the other guy coming back. he waited with me for a while. and i was looking at the magazines that were there. 787. dreamliner. i was reading about it. 8% improvement to efficiency. i remember us going there. and then the film. the film we watched cos there was nothing else to do. cos the city was old and ugly and dirty and dry.

and when i saw my name in him email it made me laugh. and a bit uneasy. uneasy cos of the little details he knew about me. about us. it made me uneasy. it was you and me, why would there have to be anyone else? why would anyone else have to know anything? why? it made me uneasy and it does to this day.

then two weeks ago it happened again. and it was so much worse this time. it glued me to my screen for 10minutes. then i wrote back. and for days i kept checking for a reply and there was none. and finally there it was. when i let go. when i let go of the thought of hearing from him again there he was. his name. as a person i know. his name was there and i saw it and it was the same one. and i opened it. and he's clever. and i read it and it made me smile. but then i froze. for 15minutes i was frozen and i didn't know exactly what to do. so i didn't do anything. i waited.

i read it again.

still frozen.

then i got myself together. back to work. i have to get on with things. little bit every day. i will get there. i will.

2009-10-28T11:29:00.001Z

and how about that subscription? should i re-new it?

2009-10-28T11:28:00.002Z

i cannot believe that i still have not found the time... correction... i have not made the time to do those reports.

soon i say.
soon.

2009-10-28T11:24:00.003Z

it hit me yesterday. it really did... i've been conscious of it for a while, but yesterday it really hit me. and it's not funny anymore.

so i will come up with a plan. i'll try. he said something nice yesterday and i liked it. he said i know you. i know if you want to do something, you will do it. you will make the time for it. if you want to do something you will find the time and the strength to do it. i know you he said. i said help me and he said i know you. i know if you want to do something you will do it. you will make the time and you have the strength. you can do it. all you have to do is really want to do it.

and i want to. i want to snap out of this muddy water. i want to snap out of this "sokoon". i will not be sluggish any more. i can do this.

2009-10-24T17:26:00.001+01:00

i was reading an interview with ozzy in glamour mag today... i love how he's so in love with sharon...

i love how he makes it real. the two of them make you believe your soul mate is out there somewhere... (and how dare you think otherwise :) )

ps his book, i am ozzy is out now. think i'll get it.
(he always said i had a thing for drugs *giggles*)

2009-10-24T17:24:00.001+01:00

i take you to be my friend and my love...
because of you i'm a better man...

[]

2009-10-24T17:22:00.001+01:00

it's one of those days... can't be asked with anything. i should research iphone vs blackberry...

2009-10-24T14:49:00.001+01:00

people's perception of what is sexy makes me laugh. i hate it when things become random meaningless things you just say.

2009-10-23T16:51:00.002+01:00

so you think i'm rude and disrespectful.

i think you're bitter, spiteful and unnecessarily formal.

you think it's not about being formal, it's being polite.

i thik formality between me and you brngs on unnecessary distance. and i don't like distance.

you think i'm stupid.

i think i dare to live in the moment.

you think i never think things through.

i think i'm spontaneous.
i thought my spontenity was something you liked about me.
i still remember when you told me i was "you can be really gutsy sometimes"... i still remember it today after whole 5 years

i think you complicate things
by making me think twice before i say anything
i think i shouldnt have to do that
i should be able to tell you anything
cos i thnk we should be able to talk about anything
without you thinking i'm judging you
or that i am pointing a finger at you
or without you taking a bite at me
saying something even more harsh back so it stings

i shouldn't have to think before i tell you things
cos i should be able to tell you anything without feeling uncomfortable about saying it
cos anything should be allowed
cos its me and you
cos i'm allowed to do whatever when i'm with you

why is it not like that then?

2009-10-23T15:53:00.003+01:00

impressions.

impressions we make on people and the perception we have of people based on the impression they make on us.

people trying to impress others.

it's interesting watching people and how they set their foot in a place and how they leave their mark and how they become (or don't become) part of a place. id on't think i've seen it quite so clearly before than i do now at work.

all you have to do to fit in is to laugh at their jokes, take part in their inappropriate conversation and behavior. it doesn't take more than that. your personality doesn't come into it.

is that really what impresses people? to be made feel cool and funny?
surely not.

Sohrab Koshi

2009-10-23T11:37:00.000+01:00

avalin baarie ke az bahram beyzaayee khosham oomade.

2009-10-22T16:56:00.003+01:00

he did it again. he got another chance and he did it again. he comes up and he randomly talks to me. i take out one earphone and he's asking if i'm busy. yes i am i say. keep looking at him as if to say what is it that you want. that's rude. i know. i don't know what to say or what to think. so i look at him and carry on looking for what i was looking for. i can't find it. that thing i'm trying to find i cannot find it. i think i may have thrown it away.

so he asks what it is that i'm listening to. is it english or what. i answer. he asks if it's someone he knows. he gives a name. and i go noooo. and he asks who. why can't he leave it. why can't people just leave it. they can't. so he asks who it is and i tell him. he says aaaaah as if to say he knows. i will never know. i don't want to know. no.

2009-10-22T16:28:00.001+01:00

i don't think anything in the world pisses me off as much as stinking disgusting people who pretend to be obsessed with cleaning and being fussy about what's clean what's not...

this place seems so noisy and loud today. can't seem to escape from people today. maybe not such a bad thing. and then i keep wondering to myself why people are so distracted... well it's all oh so distracting!

2009-10-20T19:11:00.001+01:00

it was her birthday. yesterday i think. i think it was her birthday yesterday. don't remember the last time i called her to say happy birthday. i remember the time she called me to say happy birthday.

i still have not replied to her email.
i don't know what to say. not yet.

2009-10-20T11:24:00.001+01:00

تا لنگه کفش پرت شده به طرفش تازه یاد مدنیت و ادب افتاده و گفته است " متاسفم که شما پرتاب لنگه کفش را نشانه مدنیت می دانید." یادش رفته که وقتی لنگه کفش از آن طرفی پرت می شد چه ذوقی کرده بودند امت حزب الله. البته مشکل فقط لنگه کفش نیست. ترور هم همین است.

kheili bahal mige!!!
[]

RoozOnline

2009-10-19T17:57:00.001+01:00

in kheili raste...

2009-10-19T17:54:00.001+01:00

some of the stuff that make it to the news really make me laugh..

2009-10-19T17:07:00.003+01:00

he comes over to me. i don't know from where. i don't know where he is coming from. i did not see him coming. iw as not looking. i look up and he's approaching me i think to myself it's not me but it's me. he's approaching me.

smile on face he says hello, i say hi and he says that he's not said hello to me. i shake my head. i don't know what to say, he asks my name and i tell him my name and he clls back my name to show me he's learnt it. he's not learnt it. he pronounces it exactly how i hate it. i say nothing. i have the chance to say just call me ana. i say nothing. i really wanna say i'm ana. i'm ana here and i'm ok.

i watch myself running away from me. i say nothing. he says you're from [] i say yes. he asks what it's like here. i say good, i'm happy here. i'm ana, i'm ok here. let me be ok here. don't touch me.

are you from [T]? i move my head affirmitive. yes.

he uses teh exact same words as i use here, everyone's young, and friendly, and helpful. everyone is. friendly.

but that's on the surface. after so many months you learn. you learn noone's a friend here. you learn. i was just like you. i still am. but i'm running away.

i was going to let it be. i was not going to ask. i intended NOT to ask. so i didn't. but it wasn't up to me. he says where he's from as if to say we are the same. we're not. i wish he had not said it in a way to say we have something in common.

suddenly i care. suddenly i feel so strongly about it. and suddenly it's so bad that my name is not pronounced right. no.

suddenly it all matters.

people are always looking for boxes. to put you in.

your background. what's your background. oh like her. no, not like her. where from. oh wow. i don't ask. i only stick to this place.

i don't know why it all suddenly matters.
maybe i'm not ok in my own skin.

i wish he didn't look at me that way.
he sets to leave 3 times but he stays. i don't know what to say. i'm pretty awkward and i don't know why. i know, but i can't. i try. but i can't help it.

he says my name. with the ana in the end. and i wanna say that's not my name. this is. people look at you and the boxes they have. they have to fit you in one.

you can't even scream your way out of it. only you'll know you don't belong there.
not in the box. not with them.

no.

i wish he did not say it like we have something in common.

2009-10-19T14:34:00.000+01:00

ever the rational one.
oh how i hate thee sometimes.

2009-10-19T14:27:00.003+01:00

so i told him. i told him all of it. not at the best time. but now is as good as any other time. so i told him. i came right out with it....

i begged him. i need to exist for you. i need to know i exist for you cos i don't feel it now. i need you to talk to me, to talk to me so much more than you do. i wanna know all the things that go on inside of you. i want there to be no curtains. i want there to be nothing but mere "vojood" of ours...

vojood...
i want to know i'm in your vojood... in you. in your being. that if i'm not there, you're missing something. that if i'm not there you're incomplete and not fully alive. i want your vojood to need me.... is that selfish? i guess it is...

so i told him, i begged him...
as long as we keep being sarcastic and spiteful we're not gonna get anywhere
as long as we are anything but nice to each other we're not gonna get anywhere
as long as we dont talk and talk and talk about teh simplest littlest things we wont get anywhere

and if we are thinking about the next stage, if we are serious abt this, we have to be nice and always there for each other... no taking for granted, but no "i thought you knew" either....

and pls pls pls tell me what you're thinking and what you want and whats on your mind and everything
i need you to talk to me so much more
i need to know i exist for you

i dont feel i exist for you.
honest

now i wish i didn't say anything.
i'm always naked in fromt of you and you always have your guard on.

2009-10-17T20:53:00.000+01:00

I know it's been some time
But there's something on my mind
You see, I haven't been the same
Since that cold November day...
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place
And the only thing I learned
Is that I need you desperately...

So here I am
And can you please tell me... oh

Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way home
Back to the open arms
Of a love that's waiting there
And if somebody loves you
Won't they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care, for me

I've been around enough to know
That dreams don't turn to gold
And that there is no easy way
No you just can't run away...
And what we have is so much more
Than we ever had before
And no matter how I try
You're always on my mind

And now that I am here with you
I'll never let you go
I look into your eyes
And now I know, now I know...

2009-10-16T17:25:00.002+01:00

i wish i got to mix and match... i wish you could put everything you liked together to make something perfect... but unfortunately in life you don't get to do that... maybe that's the beauty of it... maybe the idea is to make something good out of whatever you got...

teh whole idea of this life is to stretch you, beyond your limits... or beyond what you think are your limits.... but somehow you survive them... you dont just explode... i dont even know what i'm tryng to say...

i'm going out tonight... i get this nervous feeling... its not like those pretty butterflies you get in your tummy when you're excited, it's more like worrying about something bad happening...

it shouldnt be like this... i should not be waiting for bad things to happen... why do i anticipate negativity? that's not right..

but it's been a bad week. i didnt let him by my side and i didnt stand by his side eventhough i suppose in some way he needed me. i tried, not very hard, not many times, but i tried. and i gave up.

and i felt it was not my fault. i was not in mothering mood. i hardly ever am these days. i dont knwo iif thta's my fault. i dont know whose fault it would be either...

but he was there, and it was nice, and i let him... and he does it how i need it... i laugh hardest when i'm with him... is that bad?

it's easy... it fits... it flows... i complain, shout, annoy him and he's the same... like the ocean... still there, still happy... happy just to be there... seemingly with no expectations...

then it hits us. on a day like this. it hits us. and recovering is hard.

2009-10-15T12:24:00.003+01:00

this is the one i struggle with, but maybe it is true:

guilt is a small price to pay for happiness.

-what happened to the good girl?
:she decided, guilt is a small price to pay for happiness.

2009-10-15T12:23:00.001+01:00

she would try to look beautiful if she had someone to look beautiful for.
[]

2009-10-15T12:22:00.001+01:00

at this point in our marriage if you still feel the need to test me, then you're the one who's failed.
GS []

2009-10-15T12:12:00.002+01:00

the other day i was sat on the train going home, was i going home? i don't remember... i think it was sunday night when i was going home... there was a girl sitting next to me, she was quite pretty, no make up on, simple clothes, too much to carry... just like me.

she was texting all the time, just like me. and her friend who was waiting for her at the station kept calling her panicking that oh did i miss your train? where you on that train that just left? oh where are you...

and she was calm, happy and smiley... even though she was tired. i could see it that she was tired - just like me maybe.

what i wanted to say is... she smelt familiar... no i'm not creepy i don't go around sniffing ppl, but she had a familiar scent avout her and then i remembered :)

escada.

i can just see the little pink bottle, with the color fading from it as you go down but i won't say more on that.

2009-10-15T11:11:00.000+01:00

نکته مهم در سخن نرگس کلهر این بود که " ما مسیر زندگی مان را خودمان تعیین می کنیم." و اینکه مشکل ما این نیست که رای ما را پس بدهید، زندگی ما را پس بدهید. به نظرم اصل جنبش سبز همین است، مردم می خواهند زندگی کنند و از این همه مزخرفاتی که جلوی خود بودن و زندگی نکردن را گرفته است، خسته شده اند. اصولا جنبش سبز حرکت مردمی است که می خواهند وضع کشور را تغییر بدهند بدون اینکه زندگی شان نابود شود. چرا می خواهند تغییر بدهند، بخاطر اینکه حکومت مانع زندگی طبیعی مردم است. به همین سادگی!

ino az roozonline bardashtam, neveshteye nabavi-e. rast mige, age manam mineveshtam, hamino mineveshtam.

2009-10-15T10:50:00.002+01:00

i dont know why blogger doesnt seem to let me paste things in... i tried it yesterday and again today... could it be my browser? does that even make sense?

:(

2009-10-14T12:35:00.000+01:00

i keep thinking to myself it's not fair. it's not fair that you're never there and for different reasons i can't let you always be there. it's not fair that you're not there and i miss you. it's not fair that you're never there and i miss you. it's not fair that you're never there and he is. even when he's not. i keep thinking it's not fair.

the fingers i burnt and you were not tehre to make them better. the fingers that hurt and heal on their own and you don't even know why. the days that go by and you don't even see me. the days that go by and we don't even talk cause it's just too hard.

but when did it all get so difficult? when did i stop telling you things? when did i stop WANTING to tell you things?

did i even stop wanting to tell you stuff? did i give up? have i stopped wanting us to work?

have i left you? deep down in me have i left you? are you still looking at me? waiting for me, wanting me? are you still looking for me?

how can you know? how can you be sure? where are you? why don't i see you anymore?

is it me who's closed her eyes?
where did it all go wrong? when?