there's still this email i'm supposed to write... as well as the two reports... oh don't forget sorting out driving lessons....

sky-high confidence?

people should really know the difference between confidence and plain COCKINESS!!!

one should always look for reasons to be happy.
this is what my culture lacks.

Frozen

i don't know why every time i hear from him it freezes me.

he's very loving. and clever. and i like him. i liked him the very first time i met him. and i told him. and he told him. and i felt shy. i felt like it should have been kept something between us and i thought he should not have told him. but he is like that. he has a habit of speaking out the stuff you tell him to others. and that makes me shy sometimes. in front of the other person. and i always feel why do you do that. and all he says is, it's funny. it's not a bad thing he says. but i still feel uneasy, regardless.

it made me smile the very first time he mentioned my name in an email. it was a little thing. it was about that film we watched. in bristol. after his interview. i was always there. every time he needed me i was there. i went to bristol with him. bu coach. we went to bristol cause i thought i would make a difference. i thought i would make it easier.

and we had walked all the way to the place i think. thinking back i don't remember what time of year it was. i don't remember if it was cold or warm. i dint remember what we were wearing. i remember walking there. i remember everything looked ugly and dry and dirty. and i kept thinking i'm glad he wont be staying here. it was dry and ugly and dirty. i remember us walking there. and i remember waiting. waiting while he went through those door. and i remember the other guy coming back. he waited with me for a while. and i was looking at the magazines that were there. 787. dreamliner. i was reading about it. 8% improvement to efficiency. i remember us going there. and then the film. the film we watched cos there was nothing else to do. cos the city was old and ugly and dirty and dry.

and when i saw my name in him email it made me laugh. and a bit uneasy. uneasy cos of the little details he knew about me. about us. it made me uneasy. it was you and me, why would there have to be anyone else? why would anyone else have to know anything? why? it made me uneasy and it does to this day.

then two weeks ago it happened again. and it was so much worse this time. it glued me to my screen for 10minutes. then i wrote back. and for days i kept checking for a reply and there was none. and finally there it was. when i let go. when i let go of the thought of hearing from him again there he was. his name. as a person i know. his name was there and i saw it and it was the same one. and i opened it. and he's clever. and i read it and it made me smile. but then i froze. for 15minutes i was frozen and i didn't know exactly what to do. so i didn't do anything. i waited.

i read it again.

still frozen.

then i got myself together. back to work. i have to get on with things. little bit every day. i will get there. i will.

and how about that subscription? should i re-new it?

i cannot believe that i still have not found the time... correction... i have not made the time to do those reports.

soon i say.
soon.

it hit me yesterday. it really did... i've been conscious of it for a while, but yesterday it really hit me. and it's not funny anymore.

so i will come up with a plan. i'll try. he said something nice yesterday and i liked it. he said i know you. i know if you want to do something, you will do it. you will make the time for it. if you want to do something you will find the time and the strength to do it. i know you he said. i said help me and he said i know you. i know if you want to do something you will do it. you will make the time and you have the strength. you can do it. all you have to do is really want to do it.

and i want to. i want to snap out of this muddy water. i want to snap out of this "sokoon". i will not be sluggish any more. i can do this.